An essential, yet largely neglected, aspect of a child’s apprenticeship is the exploration and mastery of his “heart”, or emotional self. In Western culture, greater attention and effort is given to training a child’s “mind”, or rational self. Because most children lack adequate training about their feelings, they are prone to being ruled by them (even when they “know better”). To master something, you have to study it. So, help your child study his feelings as much as you help him study his thoughts. Nobody asks their kid “What were you feeling?” after they misbehave. The question we, in the West, always ask is “What were you thinking?” But this misses the point. Your kid wasn’t thinking! He was feeling something. And because he had not yet mastered that feeling, it ruled him.
When training your child about his feeling states, think soup! Some soups are pretty simple with few ingredients. Fear is a one ingredient soup. So is hungry, tired, or in physical pain. But most feeling states have more than one ingredient. Mad is the best example. There are lots of different kinds of mad: embarrassed-mad, frustrated-mad, disappointed-mad, worried-mad, jealous-mad, hurt-mad, and others. Knowing exactly which kind of mad you are experiencing (i.e., knowing the ingredients of your mad) is essential for resolving the broad soup of mad. So, if your child is disappointed-mad because he can’t go to the pool today, he could ask to go tomorrow instead of having a temper-tantrum. Or, when feeling frustrated-mad, he could ask for help instead of hitting. Or, when feeling disappointed-mad, he could go to his room and scream into his pillow instead of saying “I hate you, Mommy!” Below is a basic list of emotions that you can use to more precisely describe your child’s feeling states. Once you’ve got a better idea of the emotional ingredients of your child’s feeling state, you can use that knowledge to develop specific and more adaptive behavioral alternatives. In the context of Safe Harbor, labeling your child’s emotions in an empathetic manner is a powerful Comforting behavior. Identifying acceptable behaviors for when your child is feeling particular emotions is an important Equipping behavior.
Scared Hungry Tired In Pain Covetous Curious
Brave Satiated Energetic Comfortable Content Bored
Joyful Delighted Happy Playful Content Calm Peaceful Guilty Ashamed
Angry Frustrated Irritated Impatient Disappointed Discouraged
Scared Threatened Anxious Worried Nervous Apprehensive Shy Calm
Depressed Sad Blah Indifferent Pensive Hopeful Excited Passionate
Overwhelmed Confused Surprised Confident Proud Smug
Loving Longing Lonely Ignored Neglected Abandoned Rejected
Embarrassed Resentful Bitter Envious Jealous Vindictive
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