Most of us do not have the luxury of changing our lives to become less stressed and pressured. It is what it is, although I am all for making creating breathing room when and where you can. My prayer is that as you interact with your child, through life’s frustrations and inconveniences, you are able to remember that the raising of your child is a marathon not a sprint. Much of what makes you crazy about your child will pass of it’s own accord with time, if nothing else. Try not to pile on guilt and shame (for you and your child) in the meantime. Instead, when you can, take a deep breath and ask yourself, “What do I need to do with my child right now that will benefit him in the long run?” It will probably be inconvenient, it may be embarrassing, and it will almost certainly make you late for the next thing on your schedule. But your child will thank you, and you will reap a worthwile reward…though it may not be for 10 or 15 years. Sigh.

• Rule-out allergies or sleep problems
• Make sure your child is getting protein (meat, dairy, nuts) at regular intervals during the day.
• Increase the frequency of Harbor Times. Children act bad when they don’t have any parental wind in their sails.
• Keep a small notebook with you and chart when, where, and with who problems arise over a week’s time.  Also note how long it has been since your child last ate something when he acts out. Then determine if a pattern emerges on any of these four points and use the information to develop a plan to support you child to succeed at those times.
• Based on your charting, begin to predict when problems are likely to arise (e.g., transitions, after school, going to the store, etc.) and make a contract before entering into the danger zone. Let your child know that you’ve noticed he’s struggled in situations like the one you are about to enter and that you want to help him succeed in the current situation. The contract needs to state specifically how you expect your child to behave (“Behave yourself” is too vague) and what will happen if he does not hold up his end of the contract. Do not feel obligated to create some special reward for meeting some basic expectation. Focus instead on natural consequences and your child’s inherent desire to do the right thing. Enforce the contract with a reminder that your child agreed to it.
• Say less, and mean it more. Start this on a weekend when you have nothing better to do but mean what you say.
• If your child is going to act badly (i.e, have a tantrum), allow him to but under your terms (e.g., in his room, in the car, by himself)

If you have difficulty developing a plan that adequately addresses the when, where and who or things don’t improve despite the above recommendations, seek further consultation with a professional to problem solve further or rule-out a medical cause (e.g., ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, Mood Disorder, Developmental Disorder, etc.)

Well, in my excitement to catch a flounder, I unwittingly ruined our morning together. I set us up for frustration and disappointment by created a competing exploration goal to our outing. An adult exploration goal. I wanted to catch a “big fish”. My four year-old, he just wanted to catch any kind of fish. He’d have been happy with catching a guppy (In fact, he takes extreme pleasure in catching “baby fish”). My 2-year-old, he just wanted to hang out with me and his big brother and play around (spit in the water, play with the minnows in the bucket, eat ice from the cooler). We had a miserable time. Drew screamed every time I put the minnow bucket in the water (He wanted to play with them. I wanted to keep them fresh and lively. What good is a dead minnow to a flounder?) Josh complained because we weren’t catching any fish (But if he would just be patient enough to let me catch him that flounder, then he’d be super happy!) I grumped, fussed, and growled most of the time (ungrateful kids!).

Later, I realized that this is how we often bump into frustration in parenting. Sometimes it is unavoidable. For instance, when I go to the grocery store I have a necessary adult exploration goal (to pick out my groceries) that it isn’t going to second itself to my child’s exploration goals (Joshua: find the newest Spiderman-themed product; Drew: grab items off random shelves and put them in the cart). But this was not one of those situations. I had forgotten that, in this case, my first goal was to have a good time with my boys, not catch a flounder. To do that, I needed to explore on their terms, not try and get them to explore on mine. I wanted us to have a Harbor Time together, and the first rule of Harbor Time is “follow your child’s lead” which means saving my personal exploration goals for another time. The flounder can wait.

Ugh.  Do we go with “Buck up, son.  You’re going to make it.”? Or do we say “Snuggle up on the couch and stay home with Mommy.”? The dilemma my wife and I faced this morning constituted a battle between the two basic, but core, components of human development that every parent in every part of the world faces a hundred times a day, in a myriad different forms.  The battle between supporting their child’s exploration and mastery (my son’s need to be able to push through minor emotional and physical discomforts as a means of developing resiliency) and being a safe harbor of physical and emotional restoration in the face of difficulties that may be too great to overcome alone (my son’s need to rest, physically and emotionally, in order to gather the strength to get through his long school day).These two concepts, exploration and mastery versus safe harbor, are referenced over and over again on the Apprenticeship Parenting website.They serve as the basic reference point for applying apprenticeship parenting to the real life circumstances of raising your child in your ever changing life circumstances.

To get a basic primer on your child’s inherent and ongoing need for exploration and safe harbor, visit the Apprenticeship Parenting resource pages.  They are your shortcuts to becoming a child social-emotional development expert, without the hassle of getting a Ph.D.